Blog Update - The Truth About Forgiveness

[Jamie]

The Truth About Forgiveness

There is something wrong with sentences that begin with “If you forgave you would…” . The truth is our understanding of forgiveness is often skewed. At times, the distortion makes it seem barely possible to extend. Survivors of abuse are especially prone to struggle with unrealistic descriptions of forgiveness. There is past abuse and in some cases persistent abuse that endures. Acts of abuse are not to be confused with the effects of abuse. Some survivors are not grappling with past incidents but present harm. In those cases forgiveness can seem illusive. The truth is forgiveness is a decision. It is a choice to let go and absolve the offending party....................

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[Lisa_Lisa]

It's hard to forgive when the perpetrators lie about what they've done, do not acknowledge the extent of the harm,
others around them also don't acknowledge etc, and as the article describes, continue to cause harm to the survivor in their present day life. I think survivors often feel guilt that they should have moved on, let go, got over it etc, and expectations to forgive are often bundled in with that. I wish there was in general better understanding of the importance of boundary building and the sheer time it takes to feel safe again. Maybe forgiveness can only happen after the boundaries part has happened and all the feelings of safety and validation etc that need to happen around that too. For me, it's been a useful journey just accepting that I do not have to forgive until I feel safe enough to do so.